Its been a while....so I deleted all my old posts because they no longer apply to who I am or who I have become. In the past year Ive had a lot of changes. My best friend and I have broken up (for not even 5 minutes..we realized that during both of our hysteric crying fits we wanted to be together), became engaged and married purchased a home, and moved away from our families and friends. Ive been promoted at work and we have purchased a new boat. Matt truly has been a blessing and so understanding as we have faced challenges on a daily basis. I decided to write this post in hope for support and possibly guidance but mostly because I think its time for people to know.
In the past year Matt and I have decided that we want children more than anything else in the world. Its a wonderful thing when we go to wal-mart and I have to find my husband because he has taken off to the baby section just to look. I love him more than words could describe. Anyway, we haven't really shared this with many people because its been very difficult on us and we are pretty private people (ironic considering here I am writing a blog about it). In the beginning of our relationship Matt and I had a miscarriage. It was devastating on me but I held it from him for quite a few months because I was scared of what he might think or say. The only people who knew were my BFF Nikki and my mother. Matt was OK with it after all but still to this day very few people actually know. Anyways about 2 years ago I was diagnosed with hypothyroid after a considerable weight gain (about 50 pounds) and some trouble with menstruation. I was misdiagnosed at first with polycystic ovarian syndrome but after a month the doctor realized it was hypothyroid. It only makes sense that I would have thyroid issues considering most of the women on my maternal side have thyroid problems. My doctor prescribed me 25mcg of synthroid hoping my levels would zero out. Since May of 2010 I have been bumped up on my thyroid medication multiple times and am now on 125mcg. When we moved to Auburn I had to leave my doctor of about 15 years behind.
I was forced to tell about my whole life in a 20 minute appointment which just doesn't seem like a long enough time when you have had so many ups and downs. My story in a nutshell was that I started birth control at 13 and that I never really knew what my menstruation was like besides the fact that I was sick during it and typically it was heavy. I always went back and forth so my body didn't get used to one kind. Then when I was 20 I went to the birth control that made you have your period every 3 months. When Matt and I started dating I went off due to not having medical insurance. My period never came and when it did it was light and lasted maybe 2 days. Id say that since Matt and I started dating I had it maybe 6 times. I gave the doctors the specific dates of course. Anyway, I then started getting a few hairs on my face, my hair thinned a little, I gained more weight and Ive lost all interest in sex to a point where its been pretty uncomfortable when we actually do (my poor husband). Needless to say I'm not going to post all of my symptoms because some are embarrassing and it would be too boring to read.
In December of 2011 I found an internalist in our new town. She seems to be pretty wonderful. She referred me to a OBGYN. Between my referral and my actual appointment I had an ER trip due to extreme pain and vomiting. They had no idea what was wrong because all my tests came back normal. When I went to my GYN they set me up with a midwife who then referred me to a doctor (there goes a $17 dollar co-pay). I finally saw the doctor who then told me he needed blood work etc (yet again another $17). My blood work came back and they told me I was insulin resistant. I was confused by this because the month before I wasn't. I had a ultrasound done, both external and internal and another pap. All normal. My GYN then referred me to a thyroid specialist. I then had a breakdown right there in my doctors office. I was a blubbering fool (and for anybody who actually attended my wedding you know how bad I can get). I told the doctor I wanted to be a mother and at this point although everyone has been verbally supportive..I can tell that they don't want to tell me its going to be a hard road. I JUST WANT TO BE A MOTHER!!
I went to the thyroid specialist who tells me after an hour spent with me that I now have Hashimotos disease which is an auto-immune disease on top of hypothyroid and insulin resistance. The specialist then tells me I also have PCOS. REALLY?! Most of these things cause infertility and the inability to lose weight. Ive been to this doctor twice now and he is giving me conflicting stories in regards to the insulin resistance (he told me I wasn't and then I was). Also, now I have high blood pressure due to the synthroid. Im on Synthroid, amlodipine (due to the synthroid), HCTZ (water pill due to the amlodipne) and now metformin for the insulin resistance which is ultimately caused my the hypothyroid. (did you follow all of that?) Ugh! I feel like my symptoms are being treated but not the Hashimotos disease which is causing all of the other stuff. I don't believe that doctors are informed with the knowledge to treat Hashimotos disease. I plan on trying to find a specialist that cares for Hashimotos disease in the Syracuse region. OOH and to top it off the metformin causes you to have accidents in your pants....FUN!
Now to summarize. I know whats wrong with me. I know we want children. I know I am feeling tons of symptoms. I know my husband wants to be like newlyweds and get down. Ive lost all motivation and am feeling pretty down.
We recently had an opportunity to possibly adopt a child. Matt and I decided we wanted to. The mother (having a girl) was 22 weeks pregnant. She decided she would rather not have the child to give to us and according to her Facebook she wanted to get drunk. She aborted the baby. Babies can be aborted at 22 weeks. They induce the mother and give the baby a shot that kills it instantly. I want to punch her in the face. We are pretty upset but know we will have a child one way or another.
At work I am constantly getting asked if I have children and I respond with "I'm trying". They ask if babies and pregnant mothers bother me....I respond "not anymore". Ive been in this struggle for a while now and I'm happy to be surrounded by babies. I do want one of my own but I will be a better mother for having to experience what I have. What does bother me is when I see people who have children who don't deserve them. I mean we are educated, compassionate, OK financially and have unconditional love for each other (why not us). I am bothered by people who throw it in my face that I'm not a mom. I am bothered by people who say "when are you going to have kids" "you're going to be a great mom" or "I think your kids are going to be adorable". Although the comments are innocent....we may NEVER have kids of our own, who will look like us...carry our genes.
So Matt and I take it one day at a time. We are stronger than ever, we miss our friends and family but we understand that this is the life we have chosen. We are ok. We will always be ok. We always have been ok. God only gives us things we can handle. I know that at some point we will understand why this is our path and for that we will be understanding and accepting... Women struggle with this on a daily basis and this is just my story.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"
